Tying Things Up

Eight years ago on the 4th day of August, I gave birth to my 4th child, a girl, it was a very happy day. In the wake of my father's death, she reminded me of life's circle and that in the saddest of times new life breeds hope. It was also the day I made sure that I tied up the series at Kids 4, Adults 2.  I consented to three things that day; a C- Section, anesthesia, and permanent birth control. Given the fact that I was on the operating room table as a result of my husband electing to play golf rather than having his scheduled vasectomy, it became my responsibility to put birth control matters into my Dr.'s hands.

I didn't take the decision to make a permanent move lightly. As I mentioned earlier, my husband was set to take one for the team but his man parts got stage fright so par for the course, I had to consider other options to prevent me and my husband from using our social security checks on pre school tuition. While I was researching those options, I got pregnant.  I couldn't ask for a mulligan and it soon became obvious, especially to my husband, that having my tubes tied when the Dr. performed my C-Section was a viable option. "Tubes tied," it sounded like something I could do at  Jiffy Lube.  "HI, I'm here to have my tubes tied and my tires rotated." Why did my husband's version of this procedure  have a less ominous sound, a vasectomy.  Mine sounded like a form of torture. Why couldn't mine be called a fallopiectomy?

As I was considering all of the options for controlling the population in our home, I compared the different methods. Pills ( I would forget to take them), the sponge (the more I did the dishes this less appealing this option became), shots (shots at a wedding are what got me into this predicament in the first place), an implant (I thought if they could incorporate the birth control hormones into breast implants this may work. I found out it would be a small disc in my arm, not as cool), abstinence ( about as real of an option as the vasectomy), an IUD (these looked like what we hang Christmas ornaments up with, not for me). Yep, tying up my tubes it would be. I discussed the decision with my obstetrician and signed on for a tubal ligation, which by definition is the sterilization of the female by constricting, severing, or crushing the uterine tubes. Really? Is there no sensitivity here?

Over the course of my pregnancy I considered the ramifications of permanently closing the door on babies. Even though I was certain it was the right thing for our family I did have moments of sadness. I can't remember what those moments revolved around because today the mere thought of grocery store melt downs and dirty diapers leaves me shivering, but I know I had sad moments. I think as women, ending the baby making chapter of our lives even when we are certain the time is right, stirs up a lot of emotions. We started being moms long before our first baby arrived. We played with dolls, nurtured and cared for younger siblings and even named our unborn children while we were still children ourselves. We are bound to feel conflicted when we decide to put that part of our lives behind us.

As I stepped out of my house on that warm summer morning 8 years ago I closed the door behind me and looked ahead. I walked to the car knowing this was my last pregnancy, my last child, my last baby.  I spent time during my pregnancy reconciling these lasts and on the 4th of August, 2005 as I rejoiced in the beauty of a new life I turned the page to a new chapter

I was wrong earlier when I said I consented to 3 things that day, I actually consented to 4.  On my daughter's birthday I also gave myself permission to move on. I knew that for many years the children would require my time, my attention and my love but these were the same things my husband and I agreed to give each other many years earlier. I agreed to approach the years ahead with a two-fold mission. 1). Together my husband and I would do the best we could in raising our children so eventually they would be equipped to start their adult lives. 2).  remembering that we (2) came before us ( 6).

We try not to rush the days that we have with our kids and sometimes we even wish they would slow down but with each day that our kids grow older we grow closer to where we started. I wouldn't trade today for anything but I vaguely remember and long for another time in my life that was as exciting and wonderful, it involved a man and a woman and a list of baby names.