Community Corner

Cutting The Cyber-Ties, For Children's Sake

Overly involved parents holding back kids, author says; With four tips to help you manage your cyber-relationships with your children

A small crowd of well-meaning parents and grandparents gathered upstairs at Wednesday night and heard jaw-dropping anecdotes about how parents’ doting attention that extends from the phone to text, email and social networking sites, combined with kids’ outlived dependency on their parents, is preventing college-bound teenagers from growing up. 

Abigail Moore, a self-confessed soccer mom and co-author of “The iConnected Parent: Staying Close to Your Kids in College (and Beyond) While Letting Them Grow Up”, told the group that the book is not a book about parent bashing, but a cautionary guide on how to manage the “cultural force of involvement coming head-on into the cell phone revolution.” 

Moore said “iPhones don’t come with a parenting manual” and that “a parent's first instinct, when you hear your child's voice on the phone – you just want to jump in and help." 

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“It's great that we can connect with our kids and we have all these ways to connect,” she said. “But it's really about managing that connection in a positive way and encouraging your kid to be an adult.” 

Moore is a journalist and regular contributor for the New York Times. The book was co-written with Barbara K. Hofer, a psychology professor at Middlebury College in Vermont. 

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The authors used surveys and interviews of college students and parents from a variety of schools and demographics and found that, on average, college students are talking to their parents two times a day and then they asked, “is that good? is it bad? how is it affecting the kids? and the parents?” 

A generational, cultural phenomenon

Moore said parents of college-bound children or younger are encountering a unique cultural and generational phenomenon of involvement in their children’s lives, and “with technology, parents are inserting themselves into their kid's life.”

She said the “generational mantra, ‘be involved’” has significantly influenced parenting styles. Another factor is that families are smaller so parents have more time to devote to their children. Also, in many cases, both parents work out of the house so “there's a sense you want your time with your child to really count and [you want] to be engaged and be involved.” 

Moore read true anecdotes of parents overstepping their boundaries in an effort to help their children through college with examples of editing their homework, calling their roommates to resolve interpersonal conflicts, calling the dean of students to repair a broken romance, and driving to their daughter’s dorm to clean up after she drank too much alcohol at a party. 

Moore said the only common thread was that they all were doing what they thought was best for their children. 

Moore said the constant connection slows children’s maturity and “they can't resolve some of these ordinary conflicts,” and she said, “they're not achieving those milestones.” 

Moore cautioned that behavior patterns that begin in middle and high school carry over into college. 

“It's much easier for your child to call you than to figure it out for themselves,” she said. “It's so much easier for mom and dad to solve it.” 

Audience response

Audience response ranged from denial to acceptance. Some audience members, puckered with concern, bought the book and headed home to read it. 

One audience member said about “friending” her daughter on Facebook , “I figure, if you don't ever write on their wall they forget you're there.” 

Judy McVety, of Hamden, said she hardly heard from her five grandchildren until she bought a cell phone and learned how to text. 

“And I never heard from them before but (now) the texting is constant.” McVety said her first text to her granddaughter was immediately returned with “OMG, LOL your texting!” 

Moore said parents and grandparents have to learn to manage their technology-driven contact in a way that's truly beneficial for all involved.

Moore’s top tips on staying close to your kids in college while letting them grow up

  1. Start early to encourage your kids to be independent and not text or call for every problem. “When your daughter or son calls upset about something, you need to figure out if they're just venting,” Moore said. “Draw out a solution that they can implement.”
  2. Before your kids go off to college, sit down with them and talk about how and when you want to communicate.
  3. Take your child’s cue, within reason, about frequency of contact. Moore recommends a 10-15 minute call once a week, “and after that, it's up to the child.”
  4. Encourage your children to use resources on campus. College campuses have writing centers with tutors trained in college writing and research. There are resident advisors and counseling centers for interpersonal issues. Moore’s book has a chapter devoted to talking to your child about identifying and seeking help for mental disorders in themselves and others.


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