Wrestling the Shadows to Face the Sun

Here I Am

I am upset with where I am in my life.  I do not know what more to do to find work.  I am upset.  I may be giving off these vibrations to others.  It feels like those I have known have fallen away.  If you pass me on the street and sense this energy, realize it is not you or anything you did.  It is my thing I have to figure out.  

I am earnestly doing all I can to find a job in development, marketing or communications in the health, mindfulness, higher-ed and non-profit fields.  I have made lots of money for large, well-known companies and supported myself with my own businesses for the last ten years.  I want to combine my business skills with my health and well being knowledge and join a leader to learn, listen and contribute. What is missing?  I am articulate, sensitive, motivational, collaborative, smart, willing to learn, honest and compassionate.  Should I move somewhere else that is more suited to me?  Or will I find the same disconnections I feel here?  Nobody wants to hear or feel these feelings. Nobody has offered specific connections, leads or ideas I can pursue either. They have their own challenges to master.  I am afraid I am messed up in some way I do not know, that it is sabotaging me from the life I want.

What do I want? My vision

I am a successful published author and sought-after mindful living speaker.  I meet many kind and grateful people who share their personal stories with smiling faces and joyful hearts.  I have wonderful, inspired, resourceful people supporting me who understand how I express myself, helping me share what I have with many others.  I collaborate with smart people who are generous and supportive, creating new and original works that bring me great satisfaction.  

I live in the mountains, near vibrant communities.  I breathe in Nature fully everyday and feel wonderfully stimulated from travel, art, my family and friends.  I have no want for money.  I am safe and secure.   My family is also safe and secure.  

My home is bright, inviting and airy with tall windows allowing light to stream in freely.  It is made of woods and other naturally crafted materials.  The kitchen is roomy and easy to prepare meals to share and socialize in.  The great room off it has a fire place and large windows framing soft pine tree boughs and expansive views of mountain ranges.  There is a quiet room where we go to meditate, pray, read, write or other silent pursuits.  There are large wrap around decks seamlessly bringing the outside in. Natural gardens surround the home with lilting water fountains and places especially made to sit, be silent or share company.  There are four bedrooms each with soft beds, linens, towels and lotions specially chosen for cherished family and guests.  The furnishings are solid, tailored and welcoming, offering ample opportunities to see the outdoors and be in each moment at any time.  My room is large but feels cozy. There is a sitting area with large dressing spaces and closets. The cathedral ceilings rise to meet sturdy wooden beams that ground the home.  Large windows reveal a lush mountain expanse that changes moment to moment, season to season.

I hike, walk, and eat very well.  I feel immense love!  I am open.  I have the perfect amount of silence and connection with myself, others and this world stirring all the love I possess to the surface of my skin shining out from every pore.   The more I let go, the more full and sublime I feel.  

I am free. I am love.  I am loved.

I am the long forgotten hurts lying deep in shadows.

I am the golden rays of love endlessly streaming from my heart.

I am complex and simple:

I am angry and closed; I am open and free.

I will not turn my back on the little boy I am

Walking this Path as a man made just for me.