Letting Go

In our country, productivity, employment and self-worth are often linked together. My dad, being a West Point grad used to say to us “every day is a new opportunity in which to excel!” I loved him very much and only now am I beginning to understand what he meant. But at the tender age of ten or so, I took his advice to the extreme and developed such high expectations of myself that I often felt let down with how things actually turned out. High standards and hard work can bring financial and self-esteem rewards. But depending on how we look at it, they can also burden us with unnecessary pressures. In our efforts to succeed, we attempt to control things beyond our control. 

From the mid 80’s to 2003 or so, I was a successful marketing guy working for well-known companies and brands, traveling to interesting places and making my way up the proverbial corporate ladder.  I had great, creative people working for me as we toiled in fast-paced spaces guided by quarterly business goals and measurable objectives.  The “office ether” must have affected my brain because I’d come home delegating that same sort of energy to my wife and kids. Needless to say, that went over like a lead balloon. I was trying to control myself, other people, my marriage and everything in between; to “make things happen” in my life according to a plan I authored but didn’t truly believe in.  My intentions were good but the “heavy bags” of holding onto rigid ways and not letting go were wearing me out physically and emotionally.  On the outside, I was together as could be. On the inside, I was unhappy, lost and frustrated. Why was I trying so hard to control everything?

I bet many of you are well-meaning people, going about your lives as pleasantly and successfully as possible. As you walk through your life, are you spending energy and emotions on things you can’t control? When my girls were young, it was easy to whisk them up, tie their shoes, put on their jackets, pack their sippy cups and be off. It wasn’t until they got older that they started having minds of their own. Imagine that! How’d that happen?  I’d lament I controlled “nothing” at work so I doubled my efforts at home to keep “centered”.  What a joy to be around! The more I tried, the unhappier I became.

Life’s funny that way, it moves with its own flow. Unless you realize it, you spend way too much time paddling against the currents and feeling out of synch with things without knowing why. The fact marketing wasn’t the long-term place for me had its draining effects.  Clinging to rigid ways that ran against my basic instincts for so long is what did me in. I began a slow spiral downward until I hit bottom.  I was too tired to control anything. I stopped fighting. I had to. I had no choice.  It was anything but strategic.

After catching my breath, I looked around and felt lighter.  Slowly, I began to realize the way to live well is to focus 100% in each moment, do the very best I could and let the rest go. That’s it. To feel better, to be myself, I had to let things go and let life’s powerful flow take its course.  Do I want things to work out?  You bet, more than ever in my life. Do I stumble back into my old ways and get heavy and tired again?  Yep. But you know what?  I’m not so desperately drained because the energy I get making things the best I can and letting the rest go, relieves me of the burdens of what others think or whether it’s good enough.

A friend once said, “I have a problem with the term “letting go”. It’s too final and suggests no care for an outcome. I prefer the term “surrender”. After doing what I can, my intentions remain connected to a positive, good outcome without being drained by worry or control.” My parents used to say I have special gifts and that if I did my very best, all will be okay. I tell my daughters that and believe it about them. At 49, I’m beginning to see the light for me too.